Dealing with the Ex

Divorce might be the termination of a marital union, but depending on your situation it's not the termination of the relationship. You get divorced for a number of reasons, but one main reasons is to get away from that person.  You no longer want to be around that person or pour energy into them so you decide to go your own ways.  Kids, investments, assets, etc. might make it impossible to get away from your Ex.  My situation would be considered pretty clean; we had no kids, one house, and a lot of debt.  We split the debt, he kept and sold the house and we got to walk away - clean.  Scott's situation is a bit different (and by "a bit" I mean polar opposite!).  He and his ex-wife have 4 carbon copies - that alone makes it totally different, not to mention the house, retirement, debt and so on.  

Unfortunately, Scott has to deal with his ex-wife pretty much on a daily basis due to kid schedules or decisions.  I say "unfortunately" because I would consider their relationship beyond strained.  It's the nature of their relationship - it ebbs and flows, but mostly just ebbs.  

The tricky part about divorce with young kids is that you don't just get to walk your own way, you actually have to learn to communicate better now than before because things tend to go south a lot faster now that you aren't married.  Grace and understanding tends to go out the window, you assume the worst, thinking the other parent is doing it wrong, and so on.  But now you have no influence over the other person, they don't have to listen to you. 

Here are a few things I have picked up in regards to dealing with the Ex (so you don't go bat shit crazy!!!):

Keep calm: This one at times can be nearly impossible. Ex's have a bad rap for a reason - sometimes they can be what appears to you has genuinely crazy!!  So keep calm. Don't allow their actions or behaviors to throw you off course - you do have a choice here.  Do whatever you have to do; get a drink, go to yoga, cook, jump on a trampoline - whatever makes you take a deep breath and find your center.  You are no good to anyone in an irrational state.  

Be logical: Give yourself a few minutes to be angry, upset, irrational (this is my emotion of choice!), furious, whatever emotion it is that you are feeling and then train yourself to step back from the ledge.  Make sure you are being logical enough to see multiple points of view, it will be hard but approaching it from a logical point of view will make the decision that much easier.  If you aren't capable of backing yourself off the ledge (no judgment!) makes sure you have someone that can be a genuine sounding board.  Emotions have a way of making us think and do crazy things, find someone who can speak truth through your emotions (and don't get mad at them for trying to speak logically!). 

Stop being surprised: In the beginning Scott and I were always surprised about actions, decisions, choices, and statements that were made on the other side of the fence.  We spent too much time and energy trying to understand it, until one day we realize we would never fully understand.  We have our own way of doing things which is vastly different then his Ex's - it makes sense that we wouldn't understand.  So we stopped being surprised when she would do stuff that confused us or that we thought made no sense. 

Keep your personal opinions to yourself: It will be easy to sprinkle your personal opinions into daily conversations - it's human nature.  Learn to keep your personal opinions to yourself.  Your Ex no longer has an obligation to care about your personal opinion; this is a business deal now and not a loving partnership where they give a shit about you.  

Think good thoughts:  Thinking good thoughts helps ward off the bad and hateful ones.  Trust me, it will be like second nature to dislike the Ex (because they seem crazy to you!!), so do what you can to think good thoughts about them.  The good thoughts don't have to be over the top, just something that doesn't breed hate.  For example: Bad thought - I like that shirt, it would look 100x better on me thought!  Good thought - That color looks good on them.  Make it something simple and not too hard to stomach. 

You don't have to like the Ex, accept them for who they are and who they have decided to be towards you and do what you can to not go bat shit crazy when dealing with them.  You are in a relationship with the Ex, at least until the kids are grown and making decisions for themselves - insanity isn't an option!