What was I thinking?!

That moment, three hours later, when everyone has gone to bed and you finally have 3 minutes for your mind to catch up, and all the sudden you recall the mental image of the incredibly ugly person you were three hours earlier, it's like a 10 thousand pound weight hitting your chest at 60mph.  A moment of disbelief comes over you, all you can think to do is bury your head in your hands and ask yourself “What was I thinking?!”

I am embarrassed to say my “bury my head in my heads, what was I thinking” moment came from an argument I had with a 10 year old over the rules of a {supposedly} fun family game of nerf guns.  I wish with all my heart that I was kidding, but I am not.  After the darts were shot, teeth were brushed and kids were in bed, I sat there in pure disbelief.  I couldn’t believe it, how could I have been so ugly and rude!  Thinking about it now still brings me to tears.  I see the mental image of myself yelling at a 10 year old, in his face, showing exactly how NOT to act as a human being.  What the hell is wrong with me?!  All I want to do is set a good example, well, mission {not-even-close-to} accomplished. 

I would be mortified if anyone outside of our family saw that explosion! Hell, I am mortified that my family had to view that horrible outburst! 

Lucky for me, that 10 year old is very forgiving and compassionate.  Bottom line - that is not what I want him learning from me.  They have enough anger and shame being thrown at them in the outside world; they don’t need it from me too!  I am trying undo the shame and guilt they feel from the rest of the world, but it’s kind of hard to do when I am right their piling it on!  I would never allow him to talk to me that way, so why on earth do I feel it’s ok to talk to him that way? 

Oh the hard lessons I am learning as we go!